Do I have what it takes?

I watch the Winter Olympics in awwww. Take in the massive amount of work and dedication they put into the craft, with the hopes they will come home with a Gold Medal.

Amazing… I can’t imagine the time it takes away from everything else. Could I have done something this intense? Would I have what it takes to go the distance?

That is the question I am faced with now. Do I have what it takes to go the distance to lose weight? Do I really have the determination and dedication to go all the way?

I watched the finale of Biggest Loser. The winner went from a size 20 to a size 2. It was controversial, because she looked so small, almost anorexic. I watched her and marveled at the amount of work it must have taken to get there in six months.

I am on a snail’s pace, slowly losing weight. They say it is the healthiest way to go. But I am not so sure. It is unhealthy to be 80 pounds overweight. It is unhealthy to have high blood pressure. Is it really that unhealthy to lose 80 pounds in 6 months? That would be about 15 pounds a month, that’s it. That is .5 pounds a day. It can be done. But can I?

I keep at it. I go slowly. I want to go faster. I want to shed this flesh suit and let the real me shine. I don’t want to hide my pain in the fat anymore. I want to show my beautiful scares. The ones that have healed and no longer define who I am. I want to show off my confident, healed, content self. The body suit hides the beauty inside. It shadows it.

Do I have what it takes? For many years I did not believe I did. I still struggle with the belief that I could possibly be so disciplined and dedicated at something that involves my own beauty, my own reflection.

I am inspired by people like Lisa James who faithfully works out and bikes competitively. I am amazed by people like Danny Kaea, who not only works out daily for himself, but inspires others to follow him. I wonder at how that dedication came to them.

Do I have what it takes? Why can’t I push over the hump of complete commitment to go the distance? Can I really push my body to the point of breaking? Can I push through the pain and aches to keep moving forward?

I struggled this week. Knee pain kept me from running and the rain kept me inside. I struggled to push my body. I struggled to go the distance. Why?

I want to push faster and harder. I want to go longer and farther….

Do I have what it takes?

Through the Ravine

You would think after 17 years of trying to lose the 100 pounds I put on, while pregnant with my first son, minor setbacks are no big deal. I can just pick up where I left off and keep moving forward. In the past, I would have to say that is true… but today, 6 months into this journey of total commitment, the setbacks overwhelm me.

When this journey began, I was 255 and determined to lose 100 pounds. I started with a vengeance. Injured myself and kept going. Wanted to blog every week about it, but slowed down. I was consistent. Consistent with eating low calories, consistent with working out. I was losing weight. Slowly, but losing weight, none the less.

Three months later, I had lost 20 pounds. I was down to 235, the average weight I have been at for 17 years. I was excited to be back to ground zero and apprehensive about making a deficit in that number, since it has been so hard for me. I pushed through, kept going, and staying the course.

Then, as if a huge detour sign was put in front of my face… my father passed away. Hitting me square between the eyes. I fell into sorrow and pain. Still, I was determined to stay on course and find an alternate route. Instead, before I could even take one step, I collapsed in front of the detour sign, grieved.

It took a few weeks to get up and look for that alternative route. I walked, did some Zumba, and even some P90X. I ate well, staying around 1200 calories. Patiently enduring the arduous road to recovering my healthy self. I found an alternate route… got back on track and was elated.

A few more steps and I hit a cliff. A huge ravine between me and the rest of the way: pneumonia. Really? Is this for real? My body started to shut down. I slept, coughed, and had an incredible sore throat, body aches, nausea and fever. I tried to do setups and small exercises, but the exertion pushed me over the edge. One week passed then two. The symptoms got worse and the sleeping increased. I couldn’t remember the last time I had been so sick.

Three, four, five weeks passed and now over 6 weeks this sickness lingered. Morphing from one symptom to the next. Finally a doctor saw me. Explained the crazy information that I had the symptoms of the H1N1 flu, that turned into viral pneumonia, but wait there’s more… and that I had a bacterial sinus infection. So both a virus and a bacteria were attacking my body at the same time. It was no wonder I was in such pain.

Christmas came and went and I fought through. I was coming out of the fog by New Years, but the persistent sinus infection continued to hover over me. By the middle of January, I no longer needed a box of tissues by me at every moment. The sinus infection finally subsided and I was coming up out of the ravine of illness. Finally on the other side, 2 months later, I could breathe.

Still I was not a hundred percent. I was diligent to start exercising again. I started on the elliptical, inside my house, sit-ups and a little weight training. I was exhausted after each workout. Only able to do 3 days a week. After two weeks of pushing through I was finally able to work out without being completely depleted.

Monday, January 27^th, I got on the scale, determined to make this the week I got back on track. I had not stepped on the scale for almost 3 months. One foot after the other, I slowly stepped on the scale that was once my worst enemy. I looked down at the number and saw the number: 220 pounds. I had lost 15 pounds. In the middle of the ravine, I still lost weight! I realized I had established a habit and my eating was now about 1200-1500 calories a day. In the midst of being the sickest I can ever remember being, I was still trying to do small workouts!!!

So this week is a new beginning, a new start for me. Instead of looking at my start weight of 255, my start weight will be 220. I started the week on the elliptical and did sit ups. Today, I looked outside, saw the sun beating down on the earth and longed to run. I love to run! I put on my running shoes, walked outside and ran for the first time in 3 months. I felt like a bird, who just escaped her cage. I ran and walked, ran and walked for 2 miles.

I came inside, the adrenaline that flooded my body was so intense that I did not even feel tired. I drank some water, fulfilled. I did some sit ups a little later and was delighted to be back on track.

Next stop… 215

Here I go.... AGAIN...

I had hope I would be under 200 pounds by now, but the reality of my emotional state took precedence. 

I am still 230 pounds. Still above the dreaded 200, still stagnant a month later. 

I have not gained any weight and should celebrate the undeniable truth that I have overcome old patterns that have kept me overweight. 

I did not turn to food to comfort me when my dad died and I did not self destruct when I did not work out every day. I just stood and held my ground! Not going forward, not going backward. I stood in the belief that I am going to lose this weight. I stood in the place that allowed me to grieve in the way I know how. 

Today Biggest Loser starts and I am so thankful! It will be such an inspiration to me. I will put myself on a team and compete with the rest of the contestants. I can already feel the adrenaline pumping. I am thankful for the weekly push I will have to partake in, in order to stay in the game. I am thankful for the excitement it brings, the knowledge that I am not the only one who struggles, and the intensity in which the trainers push! 

I look at the last 3 months as practice or dress rehearsal for the real thing! Even while practicing, I lost 25 pounds, so I am remaining positive and hopeful that the next 3 months will produce even higher numbers of weight loss. 

Start weight - 230 pounds

Goal weight - 140 pounds

Total weight loss - 90 pounds

Here I go.... AGAIN...

Drudging through the mud...

It has been a month since I posted to my blog! 

A month!

My life spinning around like a top. My husband and I fasted for the first 2 weeks of September for some breakthrough in our life... A paradigm shift... A new perspective. 

I lost 1 pound in those 2 weeks! Just 1. A bit discouraged I realized I was still going down, not up, so I continued to stay focused and disciplined. 

It was also September 11th, the 2nd anniversary of my moms death. I was sluggish emotionally, drudging through the emotions and memories and pain. It affects my physical body, I realized in a debilitating way. I have to push through! I have to go to God for comfort and not food! I have to get the emotions out by pushing my body to break!

I made it! I got through the mud of my mind! I weighed myself... The scale said 230! I lost 4 pounds! A total of 25 pounds so far. The weight is not coming off as fast as I would like, but it is coming off!

The next week started with a long letter to a friend that I never sent. I was attempting to face struggles head on with grace and love and truth. I felt encouraged and excited about losing another 3-4 pounds!

Tuesday evening, September 17th, I walked on the football field, where my husband coached. I wanted to get his phone so i could listen to music when i ran. He gave me one of his "something is wrong" faces and before he could say a word I asked him. 

"Your brother and sister have been trying to get a hold of you," he said. My heart sank! What could they want that gave my husband that face? "Your dad died honey," he said in the most loving way he could muster. I flipped out, yelled at him, asked are you sure? What did my brother say! That can't be true! I walked away and called my brother. He confirmed that my father had died. I called my sister and we talked and cried.

I left there and bought a 5 gallon tub of ice cream. I drove home and had 4 scoops. I cried and cried and cried. 

The next day I bought a bag of Reese's pieces (my favorite candy) and had more ice cream. 

I didn't work out or count calories. I saw myself falling into the mud. I was not even trying to get out. I just sat there like a pig wallowing in grief and sorrow. 

Friday came and I started drudging through the mud again. I wrapped my mind around my kids football and cheer and school activities, but did not work out. 

Saturday came, a fierce storm surrounded us and I sat on a pile of pictures, sorting out the few memories I had with my father. I chose sleep over food and slept most of the day. 

Sunday came and I drank tea in remembrance of my mom and read Elizabeth Barrett Browning in honor of my father. I started drudging through the emotional mud, trying to get to the shore of peace. I pushed myself, pulled myself and dragged myself onto the shore. 

I worked out, minimally, but I did. 

Monday morning, I pulled the scale out, stood on top and the scale said "229" pounds. I lost 1 pound!!!

It is a slow process and even slower process when you are drudging through the emotion mud in the mind! I kept drudging, though, until I got out!

I am still sad, full of sorrow and grief; but am learning to take those emotions to the boxing ring so I can overcome! 

I am standing on the shore of peace and hope to build a house here! Perhaps then, my mind, body and spirit can rest!

My mom and father on thier wedding day, 1973. 

Goodbye... 

Another step....

Week 7

As I walked this morning I the cool Easton breeze, sun on my back, grapes layed out to dry in between the vineyard rows... I breathed in the air deep, and felt peace.

Before I set out on my two mile walk, I weighed in. Everyone left for school or work and I forgot to do it with my family. I ate a bowl of oatmeal and drank a cup of coffee before I realized that I forgot to measure my journey. I stepped onto the scale and as I customarily do, got off and then back on again, because I want to be sure it is completely accurate and true. Again I step on the scale and read the number...

235 pounds! 

5 more pounds off of this body! 5 pounds! The most I have lost in a week so far! 

I smiled to myself, with no one to celebrate with, except my God! Gratitude filled my being as I thanked my Jesus for keeping His promise all those years ago, the Esther Promise, that He would transform me, inside and out! 

[ Last week was my get back into a routine week, since the two weeks prior, I was out of a routine and not really working out. I accomplished 4 days of working out, but only 1 workout a day. It made me think that if I had worked out 2 more days and twice a day, I may have lost 10 pounds! 

My goal for he next 12 weeks is to lose 5 pounds a week. Then Thanksgiving hits and well... I gave myself a break!!! 

I really have to dial in and be committed and focused! I can't wait for the new season of Biggest Loser to start, because then I will have people to compete with! And since I am highly competitive... I am hoping it will push me even more!!! I WILL NOT ever be in the bottom! ( this is me pretending I was cast to be on the show, so I can see how I would have done.) ] - a little tangent of thought!

Thoughts... Lots of thoughts run through my mind... I walk; I walk the country road. The country blocks that are exactly a mile. I walk and think about how it is finally happening; I am finally losing weight! 

I ponder and process my adult, overweight life and try to understand. Then It hit me! I BELIEVE! I believe that I am going to lose weight! I have resolve! For me there is no other choice but to lose weight or face the reality of surgery! I know! I know I am going to do it this time! I am competing! I hate to lose, so the thought that I can compete against the contestants on Biggest Loser and win excites me (even though I am not on the show). 

Before, somewhere deep down in the chasm of me being, I had made an agreement with the lie that #1 being overweight was going to protect me from sexual predators and #2 I was fat and ugly and would always be! 

The reason why the Esther promise took so long to manifest in my flesh is because It took 8 years for God to work out my spirit and soul to a place of healing and health. I had to get to a place, where I could look in the mirror and see how beautiful I was, no matter how much fat hung off my body. I had to see past the protective barrier and see who I was to Jesus. It took a long time, but I know those parts of me don't want to hold onto the protection. The spirit and soul part of me, wants my flesh to reflect what is inside!

As I walked and thought about this, it made me think of the movie Shallow Hal. He gets the opportunity to see people for who they really are, and can't see any flesh faults. Their flesh reflects thier spirit and soul. So he falls in love with a very overweight woman, but sees her as a thin beauty (Gwenyth Paltro)because he is seeing her inside beauty reflected in her flesh. When he finally has eyes to see reality, he can't believe what she looks like and ends up hurting her. But the story has a happy ending... He realizes that he loves her soul/ spirit and not her flesh and they drive off into the sunset. 

It is a great picture of those of us who struggle with being overweight. We need to focus more on who we are on the inside and not what our flesh looks like. After all, when we die, our flesh rots! Our spirit and soul are immortal. The Bible says we will get new "incorruptible" bodies and live in eternity forever! 

I stopped putting so much stock in what my flesh looks like and more in what my soul/spirit looks like. The result is that my flesh is responding in a way that it never has before! Because  my flesh doesn't rule my life anymore, God does.

There is a verse that has helped me push through...

"What a man thinks in his heart, so he is.@ -Proverbs 23:7

If you think you are fat and ugly, or stupid, or __________ put in whatever lie we tell ourselves; we will become that! 

If you start to believe that you are beautiful and fit and healthy, so you will be! The Bible says it is true; Gods Word; and He does not lie! 

Change your perspective; give yourself little obtainable goals; put yourself in situations that breed life and encouragement and get out of situations that demean and belittle you! 

One day at a time! Keep walking down the road of this million mile journey! Don't stop! It's not a race it's a life. 

Reflections

Week 6 of my weight loss  journey.

Time to step on he scale. First foot, then he second...

240 pounds! 

I only lost one pound! 

Yet I lost a pound!

Even in Biggest Loser there is a point where the contestants only lose 1-2 pounds or none at all. 

I will call this my reflection week. 

A time to reflect on the fact that I have lost 15 pounds in 6 weeks! 

A time to reflect on he reality that I am, in fact, losing weight!

A time to realize that in 17 years this is the most weight I have ever lost consistently! 

I will reflect on the fact that this is just the beginning and I have so much farther to go, but with the optimism that I will lose the weight and WILL reach my goal! 

With school starting and football/cheer resuming, I will have most of he day to myself. Last year, that reality paralyze me and I sat at home, depressed and lonely; feeling as though my purpose as a homeschool mom was no more. 

This year, my purpose is to get healthy, to lose he weight that has inflicted me for years. My purpose is to remove the visible scar of abuse off of my body and completely heal from the wounds that kept me in bondage for years.

As I reflect, I remember a promise The Lord gave to me. I woke up at 4 am one morning in 2005 sobbing. I prayed and prayed trying to figure out what was going on in my soul. Then The Lord gave me a scripture e in Esther. It talked about her year of beauty treatments that she had received before she met the king. He Lord promised me that He was going to give me beauty treatments and I too would be able to stand before my King, whole, beautiful, confident and secure. I thought it would only take a year, like with Esther, but it has taken so much longer. 

Eight years later, I am still undergoing those treatments. I have been made beautiful in my spirit and my soul and have confidence and wholeness and healing in those deep crevices of my being; but now it is time for the flesh. It is time for my flesh to reflect the beauty that God had has established inside of me. 

Only 1 pound lost this past week... But I will take it! It is one pound closer to my goal. To the beautiful me; the healthy me; the active me. 

Reflections of my journey only give me more resolve to keep going; to keep fighting; to get up when I fall, dust myself off and keep moving forward. 

Reflect on your journey and let it be the motivation to a healthier, beautiful you!

Finding Balance

I haven't blogged since July 22nd, 2013, just a day before my 39th birthday. I had gone to the beach for vacation and would be there for 2 weeks. I didn't bring my scale and would not be able to weigh in.

I was determined to stay on track and reach my 6 week goal of making a habit out of this journey. The first week was fabulous, I worked out like crazy and kept my calorie intake low. The second week was more challenging. With both mine and my husband's birthdays close and while we were on vacation, we went out to dinner 3 times, had cake, Ice cream, pie and cookies. I did not work out very much at all and did not count my calories.

We returned home on Saturday, August 3rd, but I did not weigh in until Sunday, August 4th. I stepped on the scale, nervous about what I would see. I did a double take and asked my husband to come and verify what the scale said... 244 pounds! 

WHAT!!! No way! I was shocked!!! I lost 7 pounds in those 3 weeks! Still 1 pound above my goal! I was astounded! I was excited! 

I had to stop and assess the last few weeks and wrap my mind around how that was possible. I felt as if I has failed miserably! Yet I still lost weight. I heard God say to me very quietly one word..."BALANCE." 

Balance? Oh, balance... I had just learned balance! My extreme self was learning a new character trait on this journey and it helped me to lose weight! 

I thought back to my failed week and realized I had not failed at all! In fact I had gained so much more in all the years of trying to lose weight. I went out to dinner and ordered 1 enchilada without rice and beans and 2 handfuls of chips and salsa. The next 2 times we went out, I ordered something small and did not even finish my plate. For my birthday we went to Gayles Bakery in Capitola and ordered a smorgasbord of delicious. I took a bite of everything we ordered but didn't finish anything. We took pastries home and my husband ate the leftovers. Over the course of he week  I had a small piece of cake, a few cookies, and fresh strawberry pie.

Here is what I learned... I didn't tank when I had cake! I didn't beat myself up or give up or throw the towel in. I enjoyed life and the celebrations and adjusted my eating patterns. Even though I wasn't counting calories, three weeks of doing so, gave my body a measuring stick to gauge what 1200 calories feels like, and I stayed pretty close to it. 

I lost a little over 2 pounds a week even while on vacation! I am succeeding!

The following week, August 5th, 2013 to August 12th seemed even worse than my time at the beach. I was home and helping my dear friend through a divorce. She is a battered wife and is unaware of the damage that is inflicted upon her. She hides the truth and I was learning things I never knew before. She  said things that devestated me and her children and my heart broke. I was trying to help her stand and separate from the abuse to get some healing and perspective. The week was a blur and I did not work out once! 

I also went out to dinner twice, but felt more comfortable ordering and kept my calorie intake low.

I stepped on he scale on August 12, 2013 and was ready for whatever came my way. I looked down at the number and got off the scale and then back on again to be sure it was correct. Bewildered I called my husband over to look at the number on the scale and confirmed what it said...

241 pounds! 

WOW!!! I had lost another 3 pounds!!! A total of 14 pounds!!! In one month I wanted to lose 8 pounds, 2 pounds a week. But have lost 14! I am almost at my average weight of 237 that I have been at since I had my oldest son 17 years ago. Once I pass 237.... Sigh.... I will have to get emotional! Hee hee! 

Now that I am home, I will be blogging weekly again.. 

Find your balance and let that be the fulcrum of your journey!

Before my boogie boarding adventure...

Me boogie boarding with my daughter.

My family... Me-39 years old, Elijah-17 years old, Noah-14 years old, Carah-11 years old, and my husband-42 years old.

My husband and I celebrating our birthdays at the beach house in Aptos.

Walking 4 miles, from our beach house to New Brighton Beach and back.