A month!
My life spinning around like a top. My husband and I fasted for the first 2 weeks of September for some breakthrough in our life... A paradigm shift... A new perspective.
I lost 1 pound in those 2 weeks! Just 1. A bit discouraged I realized I was still going down, not up, so I continued to stay focused and disciplined.
It was also September 11th, the 2nd anniversary of my moms death. I was sluggish emotionally, drudging through the emotions and memories and pain. It affects my physical body, I realized in a debilitating way. I have to push through! I have to go to God for comfort and not food! I have to get the emotions out by pushing my body to break!
I made it! I got through the mud of my mind! I weighed myself... The scale said 230! I lost 4 pounds! A total of 25 pounds so far. The weight is not coming off as fast as I would like, but it is coming off!
The next week started with a long letter to a friend that I never sent. I was attempting to face struggles head on with grace and love and truth. I felt encouraged and excited about losing another 3-4 pounds!
Tuesday evening, September 17th, I walked on the football field, where my husband coached. I wanted to get his phone so i could listen to music when i ran. He gave me one of his "something is wrong" faces and before he could say a word I asked him.
"Your brother and sister have been trying to get a hold of you," he said. My heart sank! What could they want that gave my husband that face? "Your dad died honey," he said in the most loving way he could muster. I flipped out, yelled at him, asked are you sure? What did my brother say! That can't be true! I walked away and called my brother. He confirmed that my father had died. I called my sister and we talked and cried.
I left there and bought a 5 gallon tub of ice cream. I drove home and had 4 scoops. I cried and cried and cried.
The next day I bought a bag of Reese's pieces (my favorite candy) and had more ice cream.
I didn't work out or count calories. I saw myself falling into the mud. I was not even trying to get out. I just sat there like a pig wallowing in grief and sorrow.
Friday came and I started drudging through the mud again. I wrapped my mind around my kids football and cheer and school activities, but did not work out.
Saturday came, a fierce storm surrounded us and I sat on a pile of pictures, sorting out the few memories I had with my father. I chose sleep over food and slept most of the day.
Sunday came and I drank tea in remembrance of my mom and read Elizabeth Barrett Browning in honor of my father. I started drudging through the emotional mud, trying to get to the shore of peace. I pushed myself, pulled myself and dragged myself onto the shore.
I worked out, minimally, but I did.
Monday morning, I pulled the scale out, stood on top and the scale said "229" pounds. I lost 1 pound!!!
It is a slow process and even slower process when you are drudging through the emotion mud in the mind! I kept drudging, though, until I got out!
I am still sad, full of sorrow and grief; but am learning to take those emotions to the boxing ring so I can overcome!
I am standing on the shore of peace and hope to build a house here! Perhaps then, my mind, body and spirit can rest!
My mom and father on thier wedding day, 1973.
Goodbye...
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