Do I have what it takes?

I watch the Winter Olympics in awwww. Take in the massive amount of work and dedication they put into the craft, with the hopes they will come home with a Gold Medal.

Amazing… I can’t imagine the time it takes away from everything else. Could I have done something this intense? Would I have what it takes to go the distance?

That is the question I am faced with now. Do I have what it takes to go the distance to lose weight? Do I really have the determination and dedication to go all the way?

I watched the finale of Biggest Loser. The winner went from a size 20 to a size 2. It was controversial, because she looked so small, almost anorexic. I watched her and marveled at the amount of work it must have taken to get there in six months.

I am on a snail’s pace, slowly losing weight. They say it is the healthiest way to go. But I am not so sure. It is unhealthy to be 80 pounds overweight. It is unhealthy to have high blood pressure. Is it really that unhealthy to lose 80 pounds in 6 months? That would be about 15 pounds a month, that’s it. That is .5 pounds a day. It can be done. But can I?

I keep at it. I go slowly. I want to go faster. I want to shed this flesh suit and let the real me shine. I don’t want to hide my pain in the fat anymore. I want to show my beautiful scares. The ones that have healed and no longer define who I am. I want to show off my confident, healed, content self. The body suit hides the beauty inside. It shadows it.

Do I have what it takes? For many years I did not believe I did. I still struggle with the belief that I could possibly be so disciplined and dedicated at something that involves my own beauty, my own reflection.

I am inspired by people like Lisa James who faithfully works out and bikes competitively. I am amazed by people like Danny Kaea, who not only works out daily for himself, but inspires others to follow him. I wonder at how that dedication came to them.

Do I have what it takes? Why can’t I push over the hump of complete commitment to go the distance? Can I really push my body to the point of breaking? Can I push through the pain and aches to keep moving forward?

I struggled this week. Knee pain kept me from running and the rain kept me inside. I struggled to push my body. I struggled to go the distance. Why?

I want to push faster and harder. I want to go longer and farther….

Do I have what it takes?

Through the Ravine

You would think after 17 years of trying to lose the 100 pounds I put on, while pregnant with my first son, minor setbacks are no big deal. I can just pick up where I left off and keep moving forward. In the past, I would have to say that is true… but today, 6 months into this journey of total commitment, the setbacks overwhelm me.

When this journey began, I was 255 and determined to lose 100 pounds. I started with a vengeance. Injured myself and kept going. Wanted to blog every week about it, but slowed down. I was consistent. Consistent with eating low calories, consistent with working out. I was losing weight. Slowly, but losing weight, none the less.

Three months later, I had lost 20 pounds. I was down to 235, the average weight I have been at for 17 years. I was excited to be back to ground zero and apprehensive about making a deficit in that number, since it has been so hard for me. I pushed through, kept going, and staying the course.

Then, as if a huge detour sign was put in front of my face… my father passed away. Hitting me square between the eyes. I fell into sorrow and pain. Still, I was determined to stay on course and find an alternate route. Instead, before I could even take one step, I collapsed in front of the detour sign, grieved.

It took a few weeks to get up and look for that alternative route. I walked, did some Zumba, and even some P90X. I ate well, staying around 1200 calories. Patiently enduring the arduous road to recovering my healthy self. I found an alternate route… got back on track and was elated.

A few more steps and I hit a cliff. A huge ravine between me and the rest of the way: pneumonia. Really? Is this for real? My body started to shut down. I slept, coughed, and had an incredible sore throat, body aches, nausea and fever. I tried to do setups and small exercises, but the exertion pushed me over the edge. One week passed then two. The symptoms got worse and the sleeping increased. I couldn’t remember the last time I had been so sick.

Three, four, five weeks passed and now over 6 weeks this sickness lingered. Morphing from one symptom to the next. Finally a doctor saw me. Explained the crazy information that I had the symptoms of the H1N1 flu, that turned into viral pneumonia, but wait there’s more… and that I had a bacterial sinus infection. So both a virus and a bacteria were attacking my body at the same time. It was no wonder I was in such pain.

Christmas came and went and I fought through. I was coming out of the fog by New Years, but the persistent sinus infection continued to hover over me. By the middle of January, I no longer needed a box of tissues by me at every moment. The sinus infection finally subsided and I was coming up out of the ravine of illness. Finally on the other side, 2 months later, I could breathe.

Still I was not a hundred percent. I was diligent to start exercising again. I started on the elliptical, inside my house, sit-ups and a little weight training. I was exhausted after each workout. Only able to do 3 days a week. After two weeks of pushing through I was finally able to work out without being completely depleted.

Monday, January 27^th, I got on the scale, determined to make this the week I got back on track. I had not stepped on the scale for almost 3 months. One foot after the other, I slowly stepped on the scale that was once my worst enemy. I looked down at the number and saw the number: 220 pounds. I had lost 15 pounds. In the middle of the ravine, I still lost weight! I realized I had established a habit and my eating was now about 1200-1500 calories a day. In the midst of being the sickest I can ever remember being, I was still trying to do small workouts!!!

So this week is a new beginning, a new start for me. Instead of looking at my start weight of 255, my start weight will be 220. I started the week on the elliptical and did sit ups. Today, I looked outside, saw the sun beating down on the earth and longed to run. I love to run! I put on my running shoes, walked outside and ran for the first time in 3 months. I felt like a bird, who just escaped her cage. I ran and walked, ran and walked for 2 miles.

I came inside, the adrenaline that flooded my body was so intense that I did not even feel tired. I drank some water, fulfilled. I did some sit ups a little later and was delighted to be back on track.

Next stop… 215